Hello all! Some protein stuff I found this week! :)

I felt like it was time for another post! :)
 UPDATE: And this is big for me...I have found a protein bar that I like!! They are called "Think Thin" bars from Hannaford, and they are SOO good. I usually find that once I begin eating a protein bar, I automatically can taste the protein that has been pumped into it. Since I get the lower sugar protein bars, I usually have to deal with the sugar alcohols or bust. These "Think Thin" bars, only have about 4g of sugar alcohols, along with 3 g of sugar. They also have a lot of fiber, and depending on which kind you get, the calories are MUCH lower than a regular protein meal bar. The 10g protein bar that I like the best tastes more like candy to me...but it's a bar with nuts in it, and it only have 190 calories...which is about as much as a tablespoon of peanut butter, but OH so much more enjoyable! :) OH! And they are Gluten Free! :)

I also found these Quinoa bars from local co-ops that are yummy and gluten free!! They are about 200 calories and 8 grams of protein, and they are more of a treat at 14 g of sugar ( natural, as it's from honey), they are SO good! :) I also found these Sesame nut bars at Hannaford as well, that have around 6g of protein, but I find them to be more of a post/pre workout snack than anything really substantial.

Things I have found are gluten free this week: popcorn ( most brands), Lays "Baked" Potato chips, Greek Yogurt ( Thank the Good Lord, or else I would be eating zilch...), and a lot of vegetarian stuff :)

Two more things :)
I downloaded a couple of apps that may be helpful in your weight loss journey! One is called " Drinking Water" and reminds you to drink water, and also allows you to track your water consumption. It's pretty cool, because it will create a chart of all of your days, and you can visually see how you are doing. But I like the app mostly for the notifications, and accountability to myself to drink. I set my goal high, so if I don't reach it, then I will know that I drank enough to sustain myself....

I also downloaded "iMapmyRun", which is a GPS tracking app for runners. There is also a similar app called
"iMapmyWalk", which is for walkers. I enjoy it, because I can post my routes to Facebook, and also keep track of my exercise for the days past, and keep myself accountable every day by posting my routes publicly.

Anyway, I think that's enough for tonight! Goodnight all!

I will include some pics with this blog so you can see what all of these bars look like!

<------------Think Thin



<------------Sesame Bar



<-------------Quinoa Bar


Have a good week! And look for my video on youtube this week!

Moe

No meat, low gluten diet!

Hello all,
Just a bit of an update on my diet! I feel so good about this right now. 4 weeks without meat, and 1 week watching my gluten intake. I find myself making better food choices, and feeling less anxious about food choices. My body likes it too!

<3 Moe

Natural Food section?

So, I am embarking on my Gluten free life, without meat, and I am looking around at stores to figure out what to buy, where to buy etc. And what I realized, is that Americans are not led to success by their supermarkets...what I mean by that, is that I think that supermarkets are perpetuating American obesity by not offering the freshest, most natural ingredients to everyone. There is usually only one "natural food" section in every store, where you can find the organic produce, bulk items, organically made products and so on. The prices are outrageous and therefore, not easily accessible to the middle class family who, although they want to feed their family good things,  can't because the refined foods with high calories are cheaper and more accessible. I would like to live in a world that made the best food available to everyone, no matter how much money they make...because the  health of the human race is important to me, and should be important to all. That's it, done ranting.

Moe

We sometimes forget...

So, I have been thinking about this a lot, and I guess sharing it couldn't hurt, because maybe some people feel the same way that I do.

I think that after you have weight loss surgery, or any kind of life-altering event comes your way; the whole process becomes more about the end, and not about the process.

I think at the beginning of this journey, and I say journey, because that is the best word to describe what the process is; I thought only about the end. I thought what it was going to be like to be "normal", to be "skinny". I think over the past 18 months, I have realized that it was not just the physical alteration of my insides that changed me; it was my willingness to give up a lifestyle that was making me unhealthy, unhappy and was bringing so much negativity into my life.

I think that the people who don't succeed in this process are the people who see this surgery as a means to an end. There is never an end. I wish there was, but there isn't. It's always going to be a struggle. It's always going to be hard to resist temptation when it's sitting right there in front of you. We are human beings and we are flawed and no matter how much you try to be, or how much you think you are, you will never be perfect.

That last statement is what really brought me to write this entry, because I think going into this, I thought everything was going to be perfect, and after I lost the weight that everything was just going to fall into place.
It was actually quite the opposite. Losing weight opened so many more doors to me that had been closed before because of physical barriers, and having those doors opened confused the hell out of me, to be perfectly honest. I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but when the world has more to offer, and you have more to give, what are you SUPPOSED to do?

Perfection is something that we all strive for, but I think what we have to realize is that perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What may be perfect to one person, may be critically and fatally flawed to the next. We can never know. That's why life is so confusing. I want my physical body to be perfect, or at least normal, but the chances of that happening in the near future are pretty slim, so I have to use the skills that I have used while in the PROCESS to cope. If I didn't have the process, how would I be able to cope?

I just thought it was important to get that out. It's the process that matters, not the endpoints. There is no end, sorry.

Adios mis amigos! Happy Spring Break!

Living Meat Free!

Just an update on living meat free:

I am having virtually no trouble living without meat. In fact, I am finding out that I am trying new foods as I go along. Chickpeas, which I had never tried before outside of hummus, have become one of my favorite foods! Beans, quinoa and other protein sources of course have been staples, but trying new foods has been the best part. I think this experiment might last a whole lot longer than lent....

I think my next phase of my diet is going to be phasing out gluten. I am beginning to chose the gluten free option when I can at the dining center, beginning to check things for gluten and such.

I am still on the never ending journey to find the source of my stomach troubles and pain, so phasing things out of my diet seems to be the best option at this point, since a lot of other things have failed. This is all just part of this new adventure! :)

NO Meat! :)

So as many of you may know, Lent is coming up! Some of you may choose to give up things like ice cream, candy, chocolate, soda etc...well, since I don't really partake in any of those things, I decided to do a little bit of research and go for another food that might be beneficial to skip out on for a while. After hearing about the documentary "Forks Over Knives", which promotes a "plant based diet" ( basically nothing coming from an animal), I decided a would try it with some stipulations. I am going to allow myself nonfat dairy products including yogurt and some cheeses, and an occasional milk. I am also going to allow myself fish if I feel myself REALLY dragging...I feel as though this is a very attainable and realistic goal for lent, and a very sustainable goal for the future. Who knows, maybe I will continue it after the 40 days is over! Wish me luck! :)

What the heck...

What the heck....

I'm gonna start writing here again.

I don't really know why I stopped. Maybe I thought it was too time consuming. Truth is, most of the day, I walk around thinking of my life like a blog. I like to think of my life as a series of Facebook statuses...I know..geeky right? But isn't that what social networking has trained us into doing? Thinking of our lives as a bunch of witty updates on our lives? It's certainly got me trained...anyway, I am going to try to keep this blog more focused on my weight loss journey and my progress, and maybe it will help more people in the future! I am going to change it up a bit, make it a little bit more informative, there will be some stories, some tips, some failures, some trials....a little bit of everything! Stay tuned I know I am excited! Until tomorrow!

Two posts in one day? WHAT??

Okay, so today I just feel like writing...

I figured I would give everyone some updates, not that anyone reads these blogs, but a girl can have some hope...

UPDATE TIME! ( I feel like there should be a theme song or something...)

COLLEGE!!!!

I changed my major! FINALLY. I felt as though I was trapped in Crane, never to see the light of day again. BUT ALAS! There is a world outside of music school! I have been accepted with open arms into the Biology department of SUNY Potsdam. I am pursuing my lifelong dream of being in medicine. YES. I really enjoy  my courses so far, and I finally realized, after 3 years of college, this is where I was meant to be. Not that music school hasn't given me anything, it's just that, it is a place full of competition, and I don't know if I want to compete at that kind of level with my talent. AND I am not going to throw away all of my years of music training, I have a plan....( mwahahaha)

I have started looking at grad schools to get my BS in Biology, as I am only going to graduate with a BA, and then it's on to med schools.....( dun dun dun) Albany Medical College is my first choice, Upstate Medical University my second, and if either of those don't want me, I want to go to Philadelphia...I just love that city. :)

Health ( BOO)

I had surgery this summer at Albany Med, and that was a trip and a half...

So, my surgeon wanted to get in and poke around a bit to figure out what has been wrong with me for the past year or so, and although I wasn't AT ALL for another surgery, I wanted to end the pain that I had been feeling since October. So here is my saga...

I had just gotten back from Potsdam the week before, and I was exhausted from working there, but I had work to do back at Seton, so I did it, despite feeling like crap for the last week before I left Potsdam. I have had trouble eating on and off since the surgery, and this wasn't any different.

So, I had surgery the 22nd of July, had to go through all of the pre-surgery testing and all that jazz, which frustrated me....( I hate being the patient/ sitting in waiting rooms), my pre-screening scared me half to death because she said that I might have regional anesthesia, and be partially awake for the whole thing...so there's that. And I felt like an 80 year old filling out that pre-surgery questionaire with all of my meds and stuff on it.

So after a lot of hassle and switching around of work schedules, I got to my surgery date. I went in when they said to, and I was pleasantly suprised they were running somewhat on time. With my mother entertained by the wireless internet in the family room, I waited alone in the waiting room; by this time, I felt like a trained professional in the waiting for procedures department...

I got back to the Pre-Op place, took a completely unnecessary pregnancy test, and proceded to watch multiple nurses butcher my arms trying to find a vein. I honestly should just come with a sign that says " I HAVE NO VEINS, PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER." ESPECIALLY since they make you stop drinking for 12 hours before, how can they expect you to have ANY fluid pumping up your veins...SHEESH.

So yaddah yaddah yaddah, before surgery is the scariest, because they give you this stuff that makes you feel like you have had a few too many to drink, and then expect you to follow commands and look them straight in the eye. It's probably funny to watch people on drugs all day....maybe I will be an Anesthesiologist, just for that....LOL

I woke up from surgery. And of course, like my last surgery, the pain medicine didn't work. My body has this AWESOME way of getting used to drugs, even after a couple doses. So, I ended up being in recovery a while, but I was okay with it, because I thought that they were keeping me a little longer because I was supposed to go home the same day. NOPE. I had to STAY. I DON'T LIKE BEING THE PATIENT.I don't know what they were thinking when they kept me there, ( I was held against my will basically, I SO wanted to go home that day) but they had it coming...

I knew what I needed to do to get out of there..., so I proceeded to get out of my bed at the earliest moment, and start the process....I got really scared at one point during the night, because my Blood Pressure and Pulse were way down, and I was afraid that they weren't going to let me go....I literally would have escaped if I needed to...I don't do well sleeping in hospitals, especially when I can't sleep on my side....stupid stomach...

24 hours later....and a lot of refusing pain medication later....I was out!

Fast forward about 3 days, Maureen can't eat solid food, and has to go back to the beginning from brothy soups, to applesauce, to oatmeal, and finally ground chicken...oh the ground chicken was wonderful...

I have had a lot of  problems in the last year...but I can safely say that I wouldn't have been able to make it without friends and support...

ANYWAY....

That was kind of a vent for me....I needed to rant about that...

Back at school, still being an RA....overdoing it as much as possible...typical me.

Well, seeing as it is now, 1:02 in the AM, I am going to say adieu to you all!

Goodnight loves!

Maureen

SO STRESSED.

I can handle a lot of things, and I mean a lot. My life over the past two years has been a whole lot of handling things. It's just the things that I can't handle that get to me. And compile themselves on top of the things I am trying to handle. I want to do my best to please everyone, but I think I have to dump my rather optomisitc look on life for a hot second, and realize that everyone can't be pleased. I am trying....believe me, I am trying.

Ouch.

Stomach. Feels like peroxide on an open wound. Ouch. That is all. :(

Life decision

So...life decision made...

I want to become a doctor or a Physician Assistant. Good talk. :)

You have your good days...and then...

You know how you have your good days, and you have your bad days...well, I can't say today was either one.
I spent most of today trying to curb my stomach pains. Trying to soothe them with whatever weapons I could throw at them. I have tried Tums, my daily Nexium, Saltines, I ate a protein filled dinner...I have been eating ice. I am just sick and tired of feeling like this. My mind knows that I want to be in a good mood, but my body keeps telling me that I am not. I just want this to be over, and for both of them to agree with each other for once. On the flip side, I got to spend a peaceful fourth with a bunch of my friends. But I do miss the fireworks I would have seen at the Salem Fireman's Carnival...it's been years since I have missed them...2007, I think.....Anyway, I wish everyone a happy and safe fourth of July and I will chat later! :)

Exhausting myself...

This is a quick one...

I am in this really bad habit of masochistic behavior right now. I won't stop working until I have completely exhausted myself. I feel as though, if I have some strength left, there is something that I have left undone somewhere, something that I have left unfinished. But in real life, there isn't, and that's why it's a bad behavior, and it's going to get me in trouble...it has already started to. My body hates me. My mind wanders...I have to learn how to pace myself. PACE YOURSELF MAUREEN. Rant over. Good night. Thank GOD.

Crazy summer.....

Hello! I know I haven't posted in a while, but not having reliable  internet hasn't helped the situation.... LOTS to update on.

I am in Potsdam right now, working for the college as medical staff for the summer camps here. We hand out medications to the kids and patch up the ones who find a way to hurt themselves...it's fun but it's been exhausting..12 hours on, 12 hours off, wake up at 6 am and deal with teenagers...sometimes I feel like you can never get paid enough to deal with that...
But I like Potsdam, I like being here, and having my own space, being able to control my surroundings, and being with people that I know. I feel closer to a lot of my college friends, than I did to my high school friends that I had known for 10+ years. I guess it helps that your college friends actually have something in common with you, and basically live with you for the majority of 4 years.
I had my 21st birthday here yesterday, and it was fun! I had to work from 6am to 6pm, but after that I celebrated by going to the liquor store and purchasing my first bottle of alcohol :) I didn't really drink much, because my stomach can't really take it, but I had maybe one shot of alcohol TOTAL. It was just liberating to know the fact that I was doing this legally, and that if someone came upon me drinking this concocted beverage, I wouldn't be arrested...
I went into the liquor store, and it was like a different world to me. I had never been in one as a customer, only when my mother went into the local one to buy her lottery tickets. There is so much to offer, but because my palette has been destroyed by cheap vodka, and the top shelf vodka holds no appeal for me, I chose my bottom shelf vodka ( Mr. Boston), and proceeded to gawk at the rest of it that I had never seen before. I don't think my newfound freedom to drink will lead me to drink more, but I will have more of a choice of WHAT I want to drink in the future. When I was underage, I could only drink what others had bought me, now I have that control to make my own decisions. :) I just feel more grown up being able to go into the bars with my friends, and having fun (and you can have fun at a bar without alcohol), and not having to be the little kid who has to stay home and be on Facebook all night...

Anyway, I had a good time. I had to work at 6am this morning, so a couple of drinks was my limit, but I don't think I wanted any more, needed any more, and my stomach doesn't need it.

Updates galore time.

As far as my health goes, I am still having my left side pain, and the most recent endoscopy I had shows some inflammation at the connection of my pouch and my intestines. The doctor said it could be the ulcer still, but he is not sure if I have a hernia or not....my stomach causes so much drama in my life. SO, he wants to do a diagnostic laprascopy, which isn't all that much of a big deal, but it's still surgery that I don't want. I have to be under general anesthesia, and that means waking up in pain, and being miserable for the rest of the week. IT SUCKS. But it's either this, or suffering for the next semester with pain that I have had since October. I hope and pray this will be an easy fix. I really don't want another surgery or procedure again, and I don't like saying that I had complications. I have have had an overall positive experience with this surgery, and despite all of this going on, I would still reccomend this surgery to anyone..it has changed my life and I would never go back. This past year has been the best of my life; I have been able to do things that I had never been able to do, I have had more confidence in myself than ever, and I am hopeful that things will improve even more over the coming years.
I couldn't have done it without certain people in my life...my WLS support group, my mom, my aunts and uncles and my family...I know most of them don't read this, but ya know, they should. :)

Anyway, this thing is already too long, so I am going to end it here for now....tah tah for now!

Maureen

Ugh...

I usually don't post about personal stuff, and I am not asking for pity, but I just need to get it out there...

My ulcer is the only thing in my life right now that I can say is plaguing me. The rest of the things in my life I either have solutions for, or plans to help myself. But this is something that I can't help myself. I have an endoscopy on Tuesday, and I am hoping that they are gone, but they don't feel like they are...ugh. And now, my most recent labs say my liver enzymes are up, and one of my DRs wants me to get an abdominal ultrasound to make sure that my gallbladder is working. GREAT. Anyway. Venting over. Have a great night!

My goals!

I thought I would put this out there, so I have someone to be accountable to...

Goals for this summer:

1. To lose 30 lbs...by running every day :)
2. To get rid of these ulcers that plague my life...
3. To acquire a nice young man...maybe :)

:)

What defines you?

As I sit here right now, looking at pictures of my "old self", I realize back then I defined myself as something completely different than I do now. I look at myself in a new light, have found new things to like and dislike about myself, I have found someone else inside that person that I was for 10 years.

What I am having trouble with, is defining myself as a WLS patient. In the beginning of this process, it was all I could think about. Because when you have WLS, your whole life changes. Your habits, the way you look at food, yourself and other people; it's hard being consumed by that. My life right now, is just trying to maintain that I am normal inside and out, even though we all know very well that I am not.

I still feel like a fat girl, but now there is just less of me. I constantly compare myself to other people. " Am I skinny enough?" " I wonder what size they are wearing, I want to be like that." I think this all stems from the attainability that I now have because of WLS. I can get to my goals easier and faster than ever before, and I have a built in tool that restricts me in what I eat, so I am less likely to stray from my diet...

WLS is not always easy though, there have been several times when I am over the toilet regretting what I have done to myself. Even though I hadn't "broken the rules" to deserve it, I still tell myself that it's my fault for allowing myself to get this operation, and that I have to live with the consequences...

I guess what I am trying to say here, is that I am not going to allow myself to be defined by WLS. It has changed my life and I am greatful for what it has given me, but define me, it won't.

Sometimes....

There are sometimes when I regret WLS. I think it's human nature to regret something when you are in pain, or don't feel your best. But I have to be positive and think about all of the things that it has given me. I can do more, I feel better about myself, my health has improved, even though sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old with all the pills I have to take....learning to be appreciative of this decision that I have made is something that I struggle with, but ultimately, I think that I DID make the right decision.

:)

So, I feel as though I have been liberated. I have changed my major. A major that I have been in for the past three years...I am still a music major, but just less of one I guess. :) I just feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, as I have been given the opportunity to persue something that I have been wanting for a long time now. :)

This is advice to some people out there: Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean that you should make it your life. Being a music major has driven me away from music rather than drawing me closer. That's just a little tidbit of advice I have. :)

Okay, that's all I really wanted to say....good night all!! :)

I feel like I am growing up.....about 5 years too late..

Hello all! I hope that you are all having wonderful weeks so far!! :)

So here's the topic of my post today.....relationships..

I know it sounds really cliche, and you have probably heard about them a million times, so if you don't want to hear about it, then...here's your chance to click the little X button...

You still here? Okay. Now then, I am not going to write about how I hate men, or how someone did me wrong, or how I lay here waiting for the perfect man, that's not it.

I grew up with a different sense of myself. I grew up thinking that I didn't really have a chance for a relationship because of the way that I looked. As I went through high school, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend was dumb. Boys are time consuming,immature, and to me, right then, they were utterly pointless...
Besides, who was going to want to date a girl who was almost 300 lbs? I saw the beauty in myself, but I think that most of the time, the inward beauty is not enough...especially to an 18 year old boy...and I mean boy...NOT man.

As I came into college, I found myself with a greater interest in men, but still the barrier sat there, telling me that men were a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on myself for the time being. Until now.

In high school, the opposite sex never really revealed itself to me. No one ever approached me about "going out", I didn't explore anything...I played it safe. After my weight loss, things have been completely different. I have encountered situations that I have never had to deal with before, and frankly, they scare me. I don't think that I was ready for all this. I knew that with the weight loss, that there would be a greater chance of something happening, but I never realized how unprepared I really was for it.

I have found myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, and I don't think it's all because I am unexperienced at this "game". Men want you to give them something upfront, that a lot of decent women just won't do. I want to be in a committed stable relationship before anything happens between myself and a guy. I was telling my counselor today, that a man needs to deserve what I am going to give him. How does a man meet my expectations? There's a lot of them, but here we go.

A guy needs to be intellegent and intellecutal, willing to explore subjects that are not his specialty, and to take new things as they come. I think having that intellectual stimulation in my life is something that I will always look for.  He needs to be comfortable socially, willing to take chances with new people, and present himself well. I am not saying he needs to be a social butterfly, but there has to be some communication.
I want to be comfortable with him alone, and in social situations. Be willing to trust him, and what he says and does, both with me and independantly of me. No innuendo in everyday conversation, that's just tasteless, and makes me REALLY REALLY uncomfortable. Also, a willingness to wait for anything physical to happen is a must. I don't intend to wait until marriage, but I think I have to assess their overall "deserving" of what I am about to give them.

I feel like I may be setting unrealistic expecations for what I would like to find in a guy, but I think that what it boils down to, is that I want a smart guy, who is wonderful to be around. That's it...( I know that's IT right?)

Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that this is all SO new to me, and that I am finding myself, as well as trying to find someone else....it's a hard thing to do, and I need all the help and advice that I can get to get through it.
More on this topic tomorrow....:) Thanks for reading my rant!! :)

Moe