I thought I would put this out there, so I have someone to be accountable to...
Goals for this summer:
1. To lose 30 lbs...by running every day :)
2. To get rid of these ulcers that plague my life...
3. To acquire a nice young man...maybe :)
:)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
What defines you?
As I sit here right now, looking at pictures of my "old self", I realize back then I defined myself as something completely different than I do now. I look at myself in a new light, have found new things to like and dislike about myself, I have found someone else inside that person that I was for 10 years.
What I am having trouble with, is defining myself as a WLS patient. In the beginning of this process, it was all I could think about. Because when you have WLS, your whole life changes. Your habits, the way you look at food, yourself and other people; it's hard being consumed by that. My life right now, is just trying to maintain that I am normal inside and out, even though we all know very well that I am not.
I still feel like a fat girl, but now there is just less of me. I constantly compare myself to other people. " Am I skinny enough?" " I wonder what size they are wearing, I want to be like that." I think this all stems from the attainability that I now have because of WLS. I can get to my goals easier and faster than ever before, and I have a built in tool that restricts me in what I eat, so I am less likely to stray from my diet...
WLS is not always easy though, there have been several times when I am over the toilet regretting what I have done to myself. Even though I hadn't "broken the rules" to deserve it, I still tell myself that it's my fault for allowing myself to get this operation, and that I have to live with the consequences...
I guess what I am trying to say here, is that I am not going to allow myself to be defined by WLS. It has changed my life and I am greatful for what it has given me, but define me, it won't.
What I am having trouble with, is defining myself as a WLS patient. In the beginning of this process, it was all I could think about. Because when you have WLS, your whole life changes. Your habits, the way you look at food, yourself and other people; it's hard being consumed by that. My life right now, is just trying to maintain that I am normal inside and out, even though we all know very well that I am not.
I still feel like a fat girl, but now there is just less of me. I constantly compare myself to other people. " Am I skinny enough?" " I wonder what size they are wearing, I want to be like that." I think this all stems from the attainability that I now have because of WLS. I can get to my goals easier and faster than ever before, and I have a built in tool that restricts me in what I eat, so I am less likely to stray from my diet...
WLS is not always easy though, there have been several times when I am over the toilet regretting what I have done to myself. Even though I hadn't "broken the rules" to deserve it, I still tell myself that it's my fault for allowing myself to get this operation, and that I have to live with the consequences...
I guess what I am trying to say here, is that I am not going to allow myself to be defined by WLS. It has changed my life and I am greatful for what it has given me, but define me, it won't.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sometimes....
There are sometimes when I regret WLS. I think it's human nature to regret something when you are in pain, or don't feel your best. But I have to be positive and think about all of the things that it has given me. I can do more, I feel better about myself, my health has improved, even though sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old with all the pills I have to take....learning to be appreciative of this decision that I have made is something that I struggle with, but ultimately, I think that I DID make the right decision.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
:)
So, I feel as though I have been liberated. I have changed my major. A major that I have been in for the past three years...I am still a music major, but just less of one I guess. :) I just feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, as I have been given the opportunity to persue something that I have been wanting for a long time now. :)
This is advice to some people out there: Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean that you should make it your life. Being a music major has driven me away from music rather than drawing me closer. That's just a little tidbit of advice I have. :)
Okay, that's all I really wanted to say....good night all!! :)
This is advice to some people out there: Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean that you should make it your life. Being a music major has driven me away from music rather than drawing me closer. That's just a little tidbit of advice I have. :)
Okay, that's all I really wanted to say....good night all!! :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
I feel like I am growing up.....about 5 years too late..
Hello all! I hope that you are all having wonderful weeks so far!! :)
So here's the topic of my post today.....relationships..
I know it sounds really cliche, and you have probably heard about them a million times, so if you don't want to hear about it, then...here's your chance to click the little X button...
You still here? Okay. Now then, I am not going to write about how I hate men, or how someone did me wrong, or how I lay here waiting for the perfect man, that's not it.
I grew up with a different sense of myself. I grew up thinking that I didn't really have a chance for a relationship because of the way that I looked. As I went through high school, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend was dumb. Boys are time consuming,immature, and to me, right then, they were utterly pointless...
Besides, who was going to want to date a girl who was almost 300 lbs? I saw the beauty in myself, but I think that most of the time, the inward beauty is not enough...especially to an 18 year old boy...and I mean boy...NOT man.
As I came into college, I found myself with a greater interest in men, but still the barrier sat there, telling me that men were a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on myself for the time being. Until now.
In high school, the opposite sex never really revealed itself to me. No one ever approached me about "going out", I didn't explore anything...I played it safe. After my weight loss, things have been completely different. I have encountered situations that I have never had to deal with before, and frankly, they scare me. I don't think that I was ready for all this. I knew that with the weight loss, that there would be a greater chance of something happening, but I never realized how unprepared I really was for it.
I have found myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, and I don't think it's all because I am unexperienced at this "game". Men want you to give them something upfront, that a lot of decent women just won't do. I want to be in a committed stable relationship before anything happens between myself and a guy. I was telling my counselor today, that a man needs to deserve what I am going to give him. How does a man meet my expectations? There's a lot of them, but here we go.
A guy needs to be intellegent and intellecutal, willing to explore subjects that are not his specialty, and to take new things as they come. I think having that intellectual stimulation in my life is something that I will always look for. He needs to be comfortable socially, willing to take chances with new people, and present himself well. I am not saying he needs to be a social butterfly, but there has to be some communication.
I want to be comfortable with him alone, and in social situations. Be willing to trust him, and what he says and does, both with me and independantly of me. No innuendo in everyday conversation, that's just tasteless, and makes me REALLY REALLY uncomfortable. Also, a willingness to wait for anything physical to happen is a must. I don't intend to wait until marriage, but I think I have to assess their overall "deserving" of what I am about to give them.
I feel like I may be setting unrealistic expecations for what I would like to find in a guy, but I think that what it boils down to, is that I want a smart guy, who is wonderful to be around. That's it...( I know that's IT right?)
Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that this is all SO new to me, and that I am finding myself, as well as trying to find someone else....it's a hard thing to do, and I need all the help and advice that I can get to get through it.
More on this topic tomorrow....:) Thanks for reading my rant!! :)
Moe
So here's the topic of my post today.....relationships..
I know it sounds really cliche, and you have probably heard about them a million times, so if you don't want to hear about it, then...here's your chance to click the little X button...
You still here? Okay. Now then, I am not going to write about how I hate men, or how someone did me wrong, or how I lay here waiting for the perfect man, that's not it.
I grew up with a different sense of myself. I grew up thinking that I didn't really have a chance for a relationship because of the way that I looked. As I went through high school, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend was dumb. Boys are time consuming,immature, and to me, right then, they were utterly pointless...
Besides, who was going to want to date a girl who was almost 300 lbs? I saw the beauty in myself, but I think that most of the time, the inward beauty is not enough...especially to an 18 year old boy...and I mean boy...NOT man.
As I came into college, I found myself with a greater interest in men, but still the barrier sat there, telling me that men were a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on myself for the time being. Until now.
In high school, the opposite sex never really revealed itself to me. No one ever approached me about "going out", I didn't explore anything...I played it safe. After my weight loss, things have been completely different. I have encountered situations that I have never had to deal with before, and frankly, they scare me. I don't think that I was ready for all this. I knew that with the weight loss, that there would be a greater chance of something happening, but I never realized how unprepared I really was for it.
I have found myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, and I don't think it's all because I am unexperienced at this "game". Men want you to give them something upfront, that a lot of decent women just won't do. I want to be in a committed stable relationship before anything happens between myself and a guy. I was telling my counselor today, that a man needs to deserve what I am going to give him. How does a man meet my expectations? There's a lot of them, but here we go.
A guy needs to be intellegent and intellecutal, willing to explore subjects that are not his specialty, and to take new things as they come. I think having that intellectual stimulation in my life is something that I will always look for. He needs to be comfortable socially, willing to take chances with new people, and present himself well. I am not saying he needs to be a social butterfly, but there has to be some communication.
I want to be comfortable with him alone, and in social situations. Be willing to trust him, and what he says and does, both with me and independantly of me. No innuendo in everyday conversation, that's just tasteless, and makes me REALLY REALLY uncomfortable. Also, a willingness to wait for anything physical to happen is a must. I don't intend to wait until marriage, but I think I have to assess their overall "deserving" of what I am about to give them.
I feel like I may be setting unrealistic expecations for what I would like to find in a guy, but I think that what it boils down to, is that I want a smart guy, who is wonderful to be around. That's it...( I know that's IT right?)
Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that this is all SO new to me, and that I am finding myself, as well as trying to find someone else....it's a hard thing to do, and I need all the help and advice that I can get to get through it.
More on this topic tomorrow....:) Thanks for reading my rant!! :)
Moe
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Part Deux!
So part two!
Where were we, ah recalling the boring details of my mildly boring life.
I have gone through a lot of changes this year. I had gastric bypass surgery ( July of 2010) and h ave lost about 110 lbs so far. Although I could see me losing another 40 lbs or so, I think that my progress thus far has been good. I have changed a lot of majorly bad habits, initiated some better ones, and found myself a great support system to help me keep the weight off.
Contrary to popular belief, weight loss surgery is not the easy way out of being overweight. The person who has had weight loss surgery ( WLS), goes through the same daily struggles as someone who is doing it "the old fashioned way". We struggle to make healthy choices, to keep ourselves from falling back into bad habits, and to learn to lean on the support that you have built for yourself. I have to hold my tounge every time someone says that you took the easy way out. Does having your insides rearranged sound like the easy way out? Dealing with pain and constant supervision by doctors sounds easy.....okay. I have to take so many supplements and pills now, that I feel like an 80 year old woman some days. I don't like people to know how much I really take, because there is a judgement factor that comes with it. I did get myself into this...I do have to face the consequences of my actions, and I am not asking for your pity.
I love everyone who has been there for me throughout this process, my mother, my brother, my father, and my entire family. The support I recieve from other WLS patients is invaluable. I couldn't make it without them to fall back on sometimes. There are days when I have pain, and one reason I get myself up and out of my room is because I see them doing things, and I want to be them. You can't let pain get you down.
I have gone through a lot of changes in the past year....I have gone from a size 24 to a size 10-12, and I have gained some self-confidence...and other people have started to notice that confidence as well..it's a different feeling when other people start to notice you, and you have felt invisible most of your life. Having a boy look at you in "that way" or a boy remembering my name....it's just different.
Ok, so that's enough for today...more explanation of my life tomorrow. :)
Talk to you all later! <3
Where were we, ah recalling the boring details of my mildly boring life.
I have gone through a lot of changes this year. I had gastric bypass surgery ( July of 2010) and h ave lost about 110 lbs so far. Although I could see me losing another 40 lbs or so, I think that my progress thus far has been good. I have changed a lot of majorly bad habits, initiated some better ones, and found myself a great support system to help me keep the weight off.
Contrary to popular belief, weight loss surgery is not the easy way out of being overweight. The person who has had weight loss surgery ( WLS), goes through the same daily struggles as someone who is doing it "the old fashioned way". We struggle to make healthy choices, to keep ourselves from falling back into bad habits, and to learn to lean on the support that you have built for yourself. I have to hold my tounge every time someone says that you took the easy way out. Does having your insides rearranged sound like the easy way out? Dealing with pain and constant supervision by doctors sounds easy.....okay. I have to take so many supplements and pills now, that I feel like an 80 year old woman some days. I don't like people to know how much I really take, because there is a judgement factor that comes with it. I did get myself into this...I do have to face the consequences of my actions, and I am not asking for your pity.
I love everyone who has been there for me throughout this process, my mother, my brother, my father, and my entire family. The support I recieve from other WLS patients is invaluable. I couldn't make it without them to fall back on sometimes. There are days when I have pain, and one reason I get myself up and out of my room is because I see them doing things, and I want to be them. You can't let pain get you down.
I have gone through a lot of changes in the past year....I have gone from a size 24 to a size 10-12, and I have gained some self-confidence...and other people have started to notice that confidence as well..it's a different feeling when other people start to notice you, and you have felt invisible most of your life. Having a boy look at you in "that way" or a boy remembering my name....it's just different.
Ok, so that's enough for today...more explanation of my life tomorrow. :)
Talk to you all later! <3
Friday, May 6, 2011
Hello!
Hey everyone! I am excited beyond words to have this! I don't really know what to say in this first post, but I think I will start by telling you a little bit about myself. My name is Maureen, and I am 20 years old. I am a music student at a college in NY. I have a minor in biology, that I crazily decided to declare the second semester of my junior year. So, I will be in college forever, by the looks of it. I am from a REALLY small town in Upstate NY, which has about 2000 people in it...yeah, I didn't leave out any zeros, 2000. My mother and I went to the same high school, and my dad went to the high school a town over. We didn't move very far....
I LOVE my family, and although I have only found closeness with some of them recently, I couldn't live without them. I have a grand assortment of cousins, young and old, many aunts and uncles, great uncles and of course my mom, my dad, and my brother, Nick. I have one living biological grandparent left, but I don't really consider him to be a part of my life, because I have never spoken to him, and he has made no effort to become a part of my life.
My mom and dad are my strength, and they have gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life. They love each other so much, and their love translates to my brother and I. They would give anything to make both of us happy, even if it is at the expense of their own happiness. I hope that when I "grow up", I can give them the same happiness I was afforded during my childhood.
My family is not well-off, but we survive. We live in a small house, on a piece of land that my mom's father gave us before he died. We live paycheck to paycheck sometimes, but they way I see it, where is the thrill of life if you don't have the unexpected? Nick and I aren't any worse for not having the best clothes, or the latest cell-phones...I think it has actually made us better people, learning to appreciate what we have even more, because we have to work and wait for it. We were never handed anything, and I think that is why I strive to work so hard, because I want to see it pay off for me, my family and everyone around me.
My home life is complicated, but I won't go into details. I will just say that right now, for our family, we are having a tough time, but we are holding together through this tough time. I am so proud of us. We are perserving through the hardest challenge that we have had to face as a family, and STAYING a family. We aren't going anywhere, unless we go together.
As far as I go, my life pretty much revolves around other people. I am a Resident Assistant at my college, which basically means that I help residents of the dorms, and make their environment a better place to live and study. I LOVE my job, and I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that I have changed someone's life for the better, by making their year in my residence hall bearable. :)
EMS is also very important to me, I enjoy both the joy of helping people, and the thrill of the unexpected. Somehow, not knowing what to expect when you come upon a situation, gives me a sort of high that I don't think any drugs could touch. I like the feeling of knowing that I can deal with these situation, and really make an impact on someone's life by doing it. I think that this came from the fact that my father and mother were doing this before I was born, and when I was born, it didn't stop. I would go to CPR classes that my parents would teach and learn. I got my first CPR card when I was 11. Yeah, I am a nerd. Don't judge me, you are reading my blog. :)
So now we come to music. Music is something that is so profoundly important to me. I find solace in music, comfort, relief of boredom, release of anger...any emotion that a human can feel, I feel through music. I am currently in school for music, studying voice, and although I do see myself doing something majorly different in the future, I could not honestly tell you that I regret my choice to be a music student. It has given me insight on a world that I would like to be part of, but at the current moment, I do not have the soul to. I would like to eat, sleep and breathe music;but something in my heart is telling me that is not the right thing to do right now. I think being forced to dig so deep into music has thrown me into a bit of a burnout. I don't EVER want to hate music, and when I felt that emotion deep inside, I knew it was time to take a break. So I am. I am finishing my music degree, and then pursuing another passion. Medicine.
Now that you think I am a complete and utter nutcase, I guess I shall end this for tonight. I will give more details on my life ( if you care), tomorrow in Part Deux! ( I don't speak french, I just pretend to...:) )
Talk to you all later! :)
Moe
I LOVE my family, and although I have only found closeness with some of them recently, I couldn't live without them. I have a grand assortment of cousins, young and old, many aunts and uncles, great uncles and of course my mom, my dad, and my brother, Nick. I have one living biological grandparent left, but I don't really consider him to be a part of my life, because I have never spoken to him, and he has made no effort to become a part of my life.
My mom and dad are my strength, and they have gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life. They love each other so much, and their love translates to my brother and I. They would give anything to make both of us happy, even if it is at the expense of their own happiness. I hope that when I "grow up", I can give them the same happiness I was afforded during my childhood.
My family is not well-off, but we survive. We live in a small house, on a piece of land that my mom's father gave us before he died. We live paycheck to paycheck sometimes, but they way I see it, where is the thrill of life if you don't have the unexpected? Nick and I aren't any worse for not having the best clothes, or the latest cell-phones...I think it has actually made us better people, learning to appreciate what we have even more, because we have to work and wait for it. We were never handed anything, and I think that is why I strive to work so hard, because I want to see it pay off for me, my family and everyone around me.
My home life is complicated, but I won't go into details. I will just say that right now, for our family, we are having a tough time, but we are holding together through this tough time. I am so proud of us. We are perserving through the hardest challenge that we have had to face as a family, and STAYING a family. We aren't going anywhere, unless we go together.
As far as I go, my life pretty much revolves around other people. I am a Resident Assistant at my college, which basically means that I help residents of the dorms, and make their environment a better place to live and study. I LOVE my job, and I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that I have changed someone's life for the better, by making their year in my residence hall bearable. :)
EMS is also very important to me, I enjoy both the joy of helping people, and the thrill of the unexpected. Somehow, not knowing what to expect when you come upon a situation, gives me a sort of high that I don't think any drugs could touch. I like the feeling of knowing that I can deal with these situation, and really make an impact on someone's life by doing it. I think that this came from the fact that my father and mother were doing this before I was born, and when I was born, it didn't stop. I would go to CPR classes that my parents would teach and learn. I got my first CPR card when I was 11. Yeah, I am a nerd. Don't judge me, you are reading my blog. :)
So now we come to music. Music is something that is so profoundly important to me. I find solace in music, comfort, relief of boredom, release of anger...any emotion that a human can feel, I feel through music. I am currently in school for music, studying voice, and although I do see myself doing something majorly different in the future, I could not honestly tell you that I regret my choice to be a music student. It has given me insight on a world that I would like to be part of, but at the current moment, I do not have the soul to. I would like to eat, sleep and breathe music;but something in my heart is telling me that is not the right thing to do right now. I think being forced to dig so deep into music has thrown me into a bit of a burnout. I don't EVER want to hate music, and when I felt that emotion deep inside, I knew it was time to take a break. So I am. I am finishing my music degree, and then pursuing another passion. Medicine.
Now that you think I am a complete and utter nutcase, I guess I shall end this for tonight. I will give more details on my life ( if you care), tomorrow in Part Deux! ( I don't speak french, I just pretend to...:) )
Talk to you all later! :)
Moe
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