Two posts in one day? WHAT??

Okay, so today I just feel like writing...

I figured I would give everyone some updates, not that anyone reads these blogs, but a girl can have some hope...

UPDATE TIME! ( I feel like there should be a theme song or something...)

COLLEGE!!!!

I changed my major! FINALLY. I felt as though I was trapped in Crane, never to see the light of day again. BUT ALAS! There is a world outside of music school! I have been accepted with open arms into the Biology department of SUNY Potsdam. I am pursuing my lifelong dream of being in medicine. YES. I really enjoy  my courses so far, and I finally realized, after 3 years of college, this is where I was meant to be. Not that music school hasn't given me anything, it's just that, it is a place full of competition, and I don't know if I want to compete at that kind of level with my talent. AND I am not going to throw away all of my years of music training, I have a plan....( mwahahaha)

I have started looking at grad schools to get my BS in Biology, as I am only going to graduate with a BA, and then it's on to med schools.....( dun dun dun) Albany Medical College is my first choice, Upstate Medical University my second, and if either of those don't want me, I want to go to Philadelphia...I just love that city. :)

Health ( BOO)

I had surgery this summer at Albany Med, and that was a trip and a half...

So, my surgeon wanted to get in and poke around a bit to figure out what has been wrong with me for the past year or so, and although I wasn't AT ALL for another surgery, I wanted to end the pain that I had been feeling since October. So here is my saga...

I had just gotten back from Potsdam the week before, and I was exhausted from working there, but I had work to do back at Seton, so I did it, despite feeling like crap for the last week before I left Potsdam. I have had trouble eating on and off since the surgery, and this wasn't any different.

So, I had surgery the 22nd of July, had to go through all of the pre-surgery testing and all that jazz, which frustrated me....( I hate being the patient/ sitting in waiting rooms), my pre-screening scared me half to death because she said that I might have regional anesthesia, and be partially awake for the whole thing...so there's that. And I felt like an 80 year old filling out that pre-surgery questionaire with all of my meds and stuff on it.

So after a lot of hassle and switching around of work schedules, I got to my surgery date. I went in when they said to, and I was pleasantly suprised they were running somewhat on time. With my mother entertained by the wireless internet in the family room, I waited alone in the waiting room; by this time, I felt like a trained professional in the waiting for procedures department...

I got back to the Pre-Op place, took a completely unnecessary pregnancy test, and proceded to watch multiple nurses butcher my arms trying to find a vein. I honestly should just come with a sign that says " I HAVE NO VEINS, PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER." ESPECIALLY since they make you stop drinking for 12 hours before, how can they expect you to have ANY fluid pumping up your veins...SHEESH.

So yaddah yaddah yaddah, before surgery is the scariest, because they give you this stuff that makes you feel like you have had a few too many to drink, and then expect you to follow commands and look them straight in the eye. It's probably funny to watch people on drugs all day....maybe I will be an Anesthesiologist, just for that....LOL

I woke up from surgery. And of course, like my last surgery, the pain medicine didn't work. My body has this AWESOME way of getting used to drugs, even after a couple doses. So, I ended up being in recovery a while, but I was okay with it, because I thought that they were keeping me a little longer because I was supposed to go home the same day. NOPE. I had to STAY. I DON'T LIKE BEING THE PATIENT.I don't know what they were thinking when they kept me there, ( I was held against my will basically, I SO wanted to go home that day) but they had it coming...

I knew what I needed to do to get out of there..., so I proceeded to get out of my bed at the earliest moment, and start the process....I got really scared at one point during the night, because my Blood Pressure and Pulse were way down, and I was afraid that they weren't going to let me go....I literally would have escaped if I needed to...I don't do well sleeping in hospitals, especially when I can't sleep on my side....stupid stomach...

24 hours later....and a lot of refusing pain medication later....I was out!

Fast forward about 3 days, Maureen can't eat solid food, and has to go back to the beginning from brothy soups, to applesauce, to oatmeal, and finally ground chicken...oh the ground chicken was wonderful...

I have had a lot of  problems in the last year...but I can safely say that I wouldn't have been able to make it without friends and support...

ANYWAY....

That was kind of a vent for me....I needed to rant about that...

Back at school, still being an RA....overdoing it as much as possible...typical me.

Well, seeing as it is now, 1:02 in the AM, I am going to say adieu to you all!

Goodnight loves!

Maureen

SO STRESSED.

I can handle a lot of things, and I mean a lot. My life over the past two years has been a whole lot of handling things. It's just the things that I can't handle that get to me. And compile themselves on top of the things I am trying to handle. I want to do my best to please everyone, but I think I have to dump my rather optomisitc look on life for a hot second, and realize that everyone can't be pleased. I am trying....believe me, I am trying.

Ouch.

Stomach. Feels like peroxide on an open wound. Ouch. That is all. :(

Life decision

So...life decision made...

I want to become a doctor or a Physician Assistant. Good talk. :)

You have your good days...and then...

You know how you have your good days, and you have your bad days...well, I can't say today was either one.
I spent most of today trying to curb my stomach pains. Trying to soothe them with whatever weapons I could throw at them. I have tried Tums, my daily Nexium, Saltines, I ate a protein filled dinner...I have been eating ice. I am just sick and tired of feeling like this. My mind knows that I want to be in a good mood, but my body keeps telling me that I am not. I just want this to be over, and for both of them to agree with each other for once. On the flip side, I got to spend a peaceful fourth with a bunch of my friends. But I do miss the fireworks I would have seen at the Salem Fireman's Carnival...it's been years since I have missed them...2007, I think.....Anyway, I wish everyone a happy and safe fourth of July and I will chat later! :)

Exhausting myself...

This is a quick one...

I am in this really bad habit of masochistic behavior right now. I won't stop working until I have completely exhausted myself. I feel as though, if I have some strength left, there is something that I have left undone somewhere, something that I have left unfinished. But in real life, there isn't, and that's why it's a bad behavior, and it's going to get me in trouble...it has already started to. My body hates me. My mind wanders...I have to learn how to pace myself. PACE YOURSELF MAUREEN. Rant over. Good night. Thank GOD.

Crazy summer.....

Hello! I know I haven't posted in a while, but not having reliable  internet hasn't helped the situation.... LOTS to update on.

I am in Potsdam right now, working for the college as medical staff for the summer camps here. We hand out medications to the kids and patch up the ones who find a way to hurt themselves...it's fun but it's been exhausting..12 hours on, 12 hours off, wake up at 6 am and deal with teenagers...sometimes I feel like you can never get paid enough to deal with that...
But I like Potsdam, I like being here, and having my own space, being able to control my surroundings, and being with people that I know. I feel closer to a lot of my college friends, than I did to my high school friends that I had known for 10+ years. I guess it helps that your college friends actually have something in common with you, and basically live with you for the majority of 4 years.
I had my 21st birthday here yesterday, and it was fun! I had to work from 6am to 6pm, but after that I celebrated by going to the liquor store and purchasing my first bottle of alcohol :) I didn't really drink much, because my stomach can't really take it, but I had maybe one shot of alcohol TOTAL. It was just liberating to know the fact that I was doing this legally, and that if someone came upon me drinking this concocted beverage, I wouldn't be arrested...
I went into the liquor store, and it was like a different world to me. I had never been in one as a customer, only when my mother went into the local one to buy her lottery tickets. There is so much to offer, but because my palette has been destroyed by cheap vodka, and the top shelf vodka holds no appeal for me, I chose my bottom shelf vodka ( Mr. Boston), and proceeded to gawk at the rest of it that I had never seen before. I don't think my newfound freedom to drink will lead me to drink more, but I will have more of a choice of WHAT I want to drink in the future. When I was underage, I could only drink what others had bought me, now I have that control to make my own decisions. :) I just feel more grown up being able to go into the bars with my friends, and having fun (and you can have fun at a bar without alcohol), and not having to be the little kid who has to stay home and be on Facebook all night...

Anyway, I had a good time. I had to work at 6am this morning, so a couple of drinks was my limit, but I don't think I wanted any more, needed any more, and my stomach doesn't need it.

Updates galore time.

As far as my health goes, I am still having my left side pain, and the most recent endoscopy I had shows some inflammation at the connection of my pouch and my intestines. The doctor said it could be the ulcer still, but he is not sure if I have a hernia or not....my stomach causes so much drama in my life. SO, he wants to do a diagnostic laprascopy, which isn't all that much of a big deal, but it's still surgery that I don't want. I have to be under general anesthesia, and that means waking up in pain, and being miserable for the rest of the week. IT SUCKS. But it's either this, or suffering for the next semester with pain that I have had since October. I hope and pray this will be an easy fix. I really don't want another surgery or procedure again, and I don't like saying that I had complications. I have have had an overall positive experience with this surgery, and despite all of this going on, I would still reccomend this surgery to anyone..it has changed my life and I would never go back. This past year has been the best of my life; I have been able to do things that I had never been able to do, I have had more confidence in myself than ever, and I am hopeful that things will improve even more over the coming years.
I couldn't have done it without certain people in my life...my WLS support group, my mom, my aunts and uncles and my family...I know most of them don't read this, but ya know, they should. :)

Anyway, this thing is already too long, so I am going to end it here for now....tah tah for now!

Maureen

Ugh...

I usually don't post about personal stuff, and I am not asking for pity, but I just need to get it out there...

My ulcer is the only thing in my life right now that I can say is plaguing me. The rest of the things in my life I either have solutions for, or plans to help myself. But this is something that I can't help myself. I have an endoscopy on Tuesday, and I am hoping that they are gone, but they don't feel like they are...ugh. And now, my most recent labs say my liver enzymes are up, and one of my DRs wants me to get an abdominal ultrasound to make sure that my gallbladder is working. GREAT. Anyway. Venting over. Have a great night!

My goals!

I thought I would put this out there, so I have someone to be accountable to...

Goals for this summer:

1. To lose 30 lbs...by running every day :)
2. To get rid of these ulcers that plague my life...
3. To acquire a nice young man...maybe :)

:)

What defines you?

As I sit here right now, looking at pictures of my "old self", I realize back then I defined myself as something completely different than I do now. I look at myself in a new light, have found new things to like and dislike about myself, I have found someone else inside that person that I was for 10 years.

What I am having trouble with, is defining myself as a WLS patient. In the beginning of this process, it was all I could think about. Because when you have WLS, your whole life changes. Your habits, the way you look at food, yourself and other people; it's hard being consumed by that. My life right now, is just trying to maintain that I am normal inside and out, even though we all know very well that I am not.

I still feel like a fat girl, but now there is just less of me. I constantly compare myself to other people. " Am I skinny enough?" " I wonder what size they are wearing, I want to be like that." I think this all stems from the attainability that I now have because of WLS. I can get to my goals easier and faster than ever before, and I have a built in tool that restricts me in what I eat, so I am less likely to stray from my diet...

WLS is not always easy though, there have been several times when I am over the toilet regretting what I have done to myself. Even though I hadn't "broken the rules" to deserve it, I still tell myself that it's my fault for allowing myself to get this operation, and that I have to live with the consequences...

I guess what I am trying to say here, is that I am not going to allow myself to be defined by WLS. It has changed my life and I am greatful for what it has given me, but define me, it won't.

Sometimes....

There are sometimes when I regret WLS. I think it's human nature to regret something when you are in pain, or don't feel your best. But I have to be positive and think about all of the things that it has given me. I can do more, I feel better about myself, my health has improved, even though sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old with all the pills I have to take....learning to be appreciative of this decision that I have made is something that I struggle with, but ultimately, I think that I DID make the right decision.

:)

So, I feel as though I have been liberated. I have changed my major. A major that I have been in for the past three years...I am still a music major, but just less of one I guess. :) I just feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, as I have been given the opportunity to persue something that I have been wanting for a long time now. :)

This is advice to some people out there: Just because you are good at something, doesn't mean that you should make it your life. Being a music major has driven me away from music rather than drawing me closer. That's just a little tidbit of advice I have. :)

Okay, that's all I really wanted to say....good night all!! :)

I feel like I am growing up.....about 5 years too late..

Hello all! I hope that you are all having wonderful weeks so far!! :)

So here's the topic of my post today.....relationships..

I know it sounds really cliche, and you have probably heard about them a million times, so if you don't want to hear about it, then...here's your chance to click the little X button...

You still here? Okay. Now then, I am not going to write about how I hate men, or how someone did me wrong, or how I lay here waiting for the perfect man, that's not it.

I grew up with a different sense of myself. I grew up thinking that I didn't really have a chance for a relationship because of the way that I looked. As I went through high school, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend was dumb. Boys are time consuming,immature, and to me, right then, they were utterly pointless...
Besides, who was going to want to date a girl who was almost 300 lbs? I saw the beauty in myself, but I think that most of the time, the inward beauty is not enough...especially to an 18 year old boy...and I mean boy...NOT man.

As I came into college, I found myself with a greater interest in men, but still the barrier sat there, telling me that men were a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on myself for the time being. Until now.

In high school, the opposite sex never really revealed itself to me. No one ever approached me about "going out", I didn't explore anything...I played it safe. After my weight loss, things have been completely different. I have encountered situations that I have never had to deal with before, and frankly, they scare me. I don't think that I was ready for all this. I knew that with the weight loss, that there would be a greater chance of something happening, but I never realized how unprepared I really was for it.

I have found myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, and I don't think it's all because I am unexperienced at this "game". Men want you to give them something upfront, that a lot of decent women just won't do. I want to be in a committed stable relationship before anything happens between myself and a guy. I was telling my counselor today, that a man needs to deserve what I am going to give him. How does a man meet my expectations? There's a lot of them, but here we go.

A guy needs to be intellegent and intellecutal, willing to explore subjects that are not his specialty, and to take new things as they come. I think having that intellectual stimulation in my life is something that I will always look for.  He needs to be comfortable socially, willing to take chances with new people, and present himself well. I am not saying he needs to be a social butterfly, but there has to be some communication.
I want to be comfortable with him alone, and in social situations. Be willing to trust him, and what he says and does, both with me and independantly of me. No innuendo in everyday conversation, that's just tasteless, and makes me REALLY REALLY uncomfortable. Also, a willingness to wait for anything physical to happen is a must. I don't intend to wait until marriage, but I think I have to assess their overall "deserving" of what I am about to give them.

I feel like I may be setting unrealistic expecations for what I would like to find in a guy, but I think that what it boils down to, is that I want a smart guy, who is wonderful to be around. That's it...( I know that's IT right?)

Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that this is all SO new to me, and that I am finding myself, as well as trying to find someone else....it's a hard thing to do, and I need all the help and advice that I can get to get through it.
More on this topic tomorrow....:) Thanks for reading my rant!! :)

Moe

Part Deux!

So part two!

Where were we, ah recalling the boring details of my mildly boring life.


I have gone through a lot of changes this year. I had gastric bypass surgery ( July of 2010) and h ave lost about 110 lbs so far. Although I could see me losing another 40 lbs or so, I think that my progress thus far has been good. I have changed  a lot of majorly bad habits, initiated some better ones, and found myself a great support system to help me keep the weight off.

Contrary to popular belief, weight loss surgery is not the easy way out of being overweight. The person who has had weight loss surgery ( WLS), goes through the same daily struggles as someone who is doing it "the old fashioned way". We struggle to make healthy choices, to keep ourselves from falling back into bad habits, and to learn to lean on the support that you have built for yourself. I have to hold my tounge every time someone says that you took the easy way out. Does having your insides rearranged sound like the easy way out? Dealing with pain and constant supervision by doctors sounds easy.....okay. I have to take so many supplements and pills now, that I feel like an 80 year old woman some days. I don't like people to know how much I really take, because there is a judgement factor that comes with it. I did get myself into this...I do have to face the consequences of my actions, and I am not asking for your pity.

I love everyone who has been there for me throughout this process, my mother, my brother, my father, and my entire family. The support I recieve from other WLS patients is invaluable. I couldn't make it without them to fall back on sometimes. There are days when I have pain, and one reason I get myself up and out of my room is because I see them doing things, and I want to be them. You can't let pain get you down.

I have gone through a lot of changes in the past year....I have gone from a size 24 to a size 10-12, and I have gained some self-confidence...and other people have started to notice that confidence as well..it's a different feeling when other people start to notice you, and you have felt invisible most of your life. Having a boy look at you in "that way" or a boy remembering my name....it's just different.

Ok, so that's enough for today...more explanation of my life tomorrow. :)

Talk to you all later! <3

Hello!

Hey everyone! I am excited beyond words to have this! I don't really know what to say in this first post, but I think I will start by telling you a little bit about myself. My name is Maureen, and I am 20 years old. I am a music student at a college in NY. I have a minor in biology, that I crazily decided to declare the second semester of my junior year. So, I will be in college forever, by the looks of it. I am from a REALLY small town in Upstate NY, which has about 2000 people in it...yeah, I didn't leave out any zeros, 2000. My mother and I went to the same high school, and my dad went to the high school a town over. We didn't move very far....

I LOVE my family, and although I have only found closeness with some of them recently, I couldn't live without them. I have a grand assortment of cousins, young and old, many aunts and uncles, great uncles and of course my mom, my dad, and my brother, Nick. I have one living biological grandparent left, but I don't really consider him to be a part of my life, because I have never spoken to him, and he has made no effort to become a part of my life.

My mom and dad are my strength, and they have gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life. They love each other so much, and their love translates to my brother and I. They would give anything to make both of us happy, even if it is at the expense of their own happiness. I hope that when I "grow up", I can give them the same happiness I was afforded during my childhood.

My family is not well-off, but we survive. We live in a small house, on a piece of land that my mom's father gave us before he died. We live paycheck to paycheck sometimes, but they way I see it, where is the thrill of life if you don't have the unexpected? Nick and I aren't any worse for not having the best clothes, or the latest cell-phones...I think it has actually made us better people, learning to appreciate what we have even more, because we have to work and wait for it. We were never handed anything, and I think that is why I strive to work so hard, because I want to see it pay off for me, my family and everyone around me.

My home life is complicated, but I won't go into details. I will just say that right now, for our family, we are having a tough time, but we are holding together through this tough time. I am so proud of us. We are perserving through the hardest challenge that we have had to face as a family, and STAYING a family. We aren't going anywhere, unless we go together.

As far as I go, my life pretty much revolves around other people. I am a Resident Assistant at my college, which basically means that I help residents of the dorms, and make their environment a better place to live and study. I LOVE my job, and I get a lot of satisfaction knowing that I have changed someone's life for the better, by making their year in my residence hall bearable. :)

EMS is also very important to me, I enjoy both the joy of helping people, and the thrill of the unexpected. Somehow, not knowing what to expect when you come upon a situation, gives me a sort of high that I don't think any drugs could touch. I like the feeling of knowing that I can deal with these situation, and really make an impact on someone's life by doing it. I think that this came from the fact that my father and mother were doing this before I was born, and when I was born, it didn't stop. I would go to CPR classes that my parents would teach and learn. I got my first CPR card when I was 11. Yeah, I am a nerd. Don't judge me, you are reading my blog. :)

So now we come to music. Music is something that is so profoundly important to me. I find solace in music, comfort, relief of boredom, release of anger...any emotion that a human can feel, I feel through music. I am currently in school for music, studying voice, and although I do see myself doing something majorly different in the future, I could not honestly tell you that I regret my choice to be a music student. It has given me insight on a world that I would like to be part of, but at the current moment, I do not have the soul to. I would like to eat, sleep and breathe music;but something in my heart is telling me that is not the right thing to do right now. I think being forced to dig so deep into music has thrown me into a bit of a burnout. I don't EVER want to hate music, and when I felt that emotion deep inside, I knew it was time to take a break. So I am. I am finishing my music degree, and then pursuing another passion. Medicine.

Now that you think I am a complete and utter nutcase, I guess I shall end this for tonight. I will give more details on my life ( if you care), tomorrow in Part Deux! ( I don't speak french, I just pretend to...:) )

Talk to you all later! :)

Moe