As I sit here right now, looking at pictures of my "old self", I realize back then I defined myself as something completely different than I do now. I look at myself in a new light, have found new things to like and dislike about myself, I have found someone else inside that person that I was for 10 years.
What I am having trouble with, is defining myself as a WLS patient. In the beginning of this process, it was all I could think about. Because when you have WLS, your whole life changes. Your habits, the way you look at food, yourself and other people; it's hard being consumed by that. My life right now, is just trying to maintain that I am normal inside and out, even though we all know very well that I am not.
I still feel like a fat girl, but now there is just less of me. I constantly compare myself to other people. " Am I skinny enough?" " I wonder what size they are wearing, I want to be like that." I think this all stems from the attainability that I now have because of WLS. I can get to my goals easier and faster than ever before, and I have a built in tool that restricts me in what I eat, so I am less likely to stray from my diet...
WLS is not always easy though, there have been several times when I am over the toilet regretting what I have done to myself. Even though I hadn't "broken the rules" to deserve it, I still tell myself that it's my fault for allowing myself to get this operation, and that I have to live with the consequences...
I guess what I am trying to say here, is that I am not going to allow myself to be defined by WLS. It has changed my life and I am greatful for what it has given me, but define me, it won't.
No comments:
Post a Comment