Hello all! I hope that you are all having wonderful weeks so far!! :)
So here's the topic of my post today.....relationships..
I know it sounds really cliche, and you have probably heard about them a million times, so if you don't want to hear about it, then...here's your chance to click the little X button...
You still here? Okay. Now then, I am not going to write about how I hate men, or how someone did me wrong, or how I lay here waiting for the perfect man, that's not it.
I grew up with a different sense of myself. I grew up thinking that I didn't really have a chance for a relationship because of the way that I looked. As I went through high school, I thought the idea of having a boyfriend was dumb. Boys are time consuming,immature, and to me, right then, they were utterly pointless...
Besides, who was going to want to date a girl who was almost 300 lbs? I saw the beauty in myself, but I think that most of the time, the inward beauty is not enough...especially to an 18 year old boy...and I mean boy...NOT man.
As I came into college, I found myself with a greater interest in men, but still the barrier sat there, telling me that men were a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on myself for the time being. Until now.
In high school, the opposite sex never really revealed itself to me. No one ever approached me about "going out", I didn't explore anything...I played it safe. After my weight loss, things have been completely different. I have encountered situations that I have never had to deal with before, and frankly, they scare me. I don't think that I was ready for all this. I knew that with the weight loss, that there would be a greater chance of something happening, but I never realized how unprepared I really was for it.
I have found myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, and I don't think it's all because I am unexperienced at this "game". Men want you to give them something upfront, that a lot of decent women just won't do. I want to be in a committed stable relationship before anything happens between myself and a guy. I was telling my counselor today, that a man needs to deserve what I am going to give him. How does a man meet my expectations? There's a lot of them, but here we go.
A guy needs to be intellegent and intellecutal, willing to explore subjects that are not his specialty, and to take new things as they come. I think having that intellectual stimulation in my life is something that I will always look for. He needs to be comfortable socially, willing to take chances with new people, and present himself well. I am not saying he needs to be a social butterfly, but there has to be some communication.
I want to be comfortable with him alone, and in social situations. Be willing to trust him, and what he says and does, both with me and independantly of me. No innuendo in everyday conversation, that's just tasteless, and makes me REALLY REALLY uncomfortable. Also, a willingness to wait for anything physical to happen is a must. I don't intend to wait until marriage, but I think I have to assess their overall "deserving" of what I am about to give them.
I feel like I may be setting unrealistic expecations for what I would like to find in a guy, but I think that what it boils down to, is that I want a smart guy, who is wonderful to be around. That's it...( I know that's IT right?)
Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that this is all SO new to me, and that I am finding myself, as well as trying to find someone else....it's a hard thing to do, and I need all the help and advice that I can get to get through it.
More on this topic tomorrow....:) Thanks for reading my rant!! :)
Moe
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